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how my baby got borned. & parenthood: first impressions.

October 17, 2010

so-
worst & best week ever…
worst was the part from tuesday to thursday,
whilst my body was starting to fall apart from pre-eclampsia,
though, i had no idea what specifically was wrong, or anything really,
just that my skin was ballooning, i felt awful all over,  was vomiting & headaching,
and by the 3rd day with no change, was starting to wonder
how anyone survives the last four weeks of pregnancy if that’s what it felt like…

turns out, one is not really meant to survive that,
the only thing to be done, is born that baby
and poof! cured.

so even though i felt sure
that nothing was seriously wrong with me-
justin made me go to the ER and get checked,
and
something seriously was.

around 3am the dr. told us that i needed a c-section,
and that he would operate around 8:30am.
he assured me that at almost 37 weeks elsie would be perfectly fine.
i think it was probably nerves/emotions
more than actually worsening pre-eclampsia,
but i deteriorated substantially after that point,
and really wished he had been able to operate immediately,
but i guess they’ve got to get their team together & whatever.

being cut open is less fun than i might have thought,
well i never really thought about it, what i mostly didn’t like,
is that i never got to hold her or touch her or even really see her for more than 30 seconds,
and they wouldn’t bring her to me for a full 24 hours.

BUT
BYGONES!
because then began the BEST WEEK EVER.

she is so perfectly wonderfully ours!
& we are figuring things out day by day.

the team that we work with,
is so good to us, letting us really focus all energy on our new baby bird.
justin still has tons of responsibilities,
but he has freedom, flexibility and good balancing skills
and

and my mom was able to get a flight down right away,
which has been absolutely fantastic.  and essential to our survival/sanity.
beyond her unparalleled baby calming skills,
she also keeps cooking up amazing food for everybody,
doing laundries, mopping my floors, and as i type…
making me a chocolate cake-  because i said to.

justin has taken to fatherhood as though he was born to do it-
which i guess we really always knew.
i was by no means confident in my own nurturing skills-
and that concern is not unjustified – ask anyone who’s been “in my care.”

but as it turns out –
becoming a parent…
-i don’t think i’ll be able to find the words to describe it-
and nobody ever does, do they?
they tell you “it changes everything.”
but cannot tell you what they mean.

i will try.
it’s like being handed a miniature world,
which you instantly understand has value beyond measure,
and you instinctively know you must take care of as such.
and you feel the weight of that responsibility-
but more than that the joy of it,
because giving this beautiful little thing anything & everything they need,
is all you can imagine wanting to do anyway.

that’s where frustration and agony come into play too-
mostly because babies are very adept at communicating
when you are failing to give them what they need-
which pains you to know,
meanwhile they can’t exactly tell you what would make it better.

i’ve only been a parent for a week.
and my baby is basically incubating still –
they tell me she’ll rouse herself more closer to her due date.
but that’s how i feel about it so far.

in general, everything feels a lot more —-profound.
that could be partly the postpartum emotions/hormones, i guess-
but justin & i have both noticed — the world feels deeper.
God feels bigger, we feel smaller.  it feels good.

it was the very first day, when i hadn’t even been allowed to hold her yet,
when i’d only seen her for a few seconds, when i missed her like crazy,
that this overwhelming awareness came over me like a wave,
or lifted off of me like a crushing boulder-  or, both…

i need her with me, so i can take care of her
but i cannot really actually protect her or take care of her  at all
(that’s the wave of terror drowning me)
i need God to sustain me, and her
and none of us has any power or control in this situation except for him.
(that’s the crushing boulder lifting off)

because of course – it’s actually a huge relief to know he’s got it.
and all he asks of me is to abide in him, and allow him to sustain us.
that moment was some sort of spiritual shift for me.

i think the postpartum thing comes into play in things like:
in worship time during house devotions,
i got overwhelmed with relief and emotion had completely melted down singing,
from life’s first cry to final breath
jesus commands my destiny
no power of hell, no scheme of man
can ever pluck me from his hand
till he returns or calls me home
here in the power of Christ i’ll stand
or does that get you guys too?
because i’m crying again.
only because –  i believe it  but suddenly,
infinitely more than believing it for myself,
i am just SO grateful
that his promise is for my baby.
right now i feel like i wouldn’t even mind if he told me,
i was beyond salvation, as long as he promised he’d always hold elsie.

and…
that’s what it’s like.

i made a video of her,
if you want to meet her–
i’m not sure if it’s boring to anyone but me,
but i’m not making you watch it either.
i love everything she does.
we love watching her sleep and realizing a week ago,
those are the little moves i was feeling inside me.

elsie’s first video.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. Laura permalink
    October 17, 2010 18:54

    I am certain
    there has never been

    a CUTER sneezer

    than elsie.

  2. Amy permalink
    October 18, 2010 10:40

    I should have known better than to read this at work! I’m a blubbery mess! Very beautifully written. I can’t wait to watch the video when I get home!

  3. Samantha permalink
    October 21, 2010 09:32

    I think that the video was adorable. and it wasn’t boring at all. She’s beautiful. I’m so happy for you guys. She’s lucky to have two amazing parents like you.

  4. marmy permalink
    October 21, 2010 20:41

    and i still feel that way all these years later. seeing you as a mom is a whole new overwhelming feeling of love and hope and helplessness.

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